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… on wedding planning …

27 Jan

I wasn’t one of those little girls who planned and acted out her future wedding. I was a hopeless romantic —  don’t get me wrong — I spent hours getting lost in stories about great love. I never wanted to be a princess, but I wanted a guy who realized he didn’t want to be without me.

B and I had a conversation about romance before we got engaged, and we realized that his perception of romance and mine were two different things. He ranted about girls who wanted romance because he saw these big romantic gestures that, to him, just seemed like such a lie. Some guy going out of his way to proclaim this big love just to make a girl swoon. My idea of romance is that his parents hold hands when we hang out together, or when B pokes my nose in the middle of a conversation, or that we talk about our future as we chop vegetables in the kitchen for dinner.

This the type of romance that I want people to see when we get married. We’re not there to put on a coordinated performance of beauty and this perfect love. That’s not what we have. What we have is nerdy and awkward sometimes and whimsical and quietly sweet. It’s bocce ball and cribbage. It’s being surrounded by the people who have made us who we are and who will be there to support us both in happy wedded bliss and in the trying times ahead. It’s not about an expensive designer gown. It’s not about seating charts and place cards. It’s not about a coordinated colour palate. It’s about Journey and lawn games. It’s about people being excited to be there and wearing clothes they’re comfortable and happy in. It’s about remembering all those “someday” plans and promises and officially becoming a family.

These are the things I have to remember when a vendor or potential marriage commissioner scoffs about our future plans.“But I’ve gotten so many compliments on my ceremony — why would you ever want to change it!? What do you mean you’re not going to have chair covers?” Just as in our everyday lives, the goal is to surround ourselves with people who are open and thoughtful and fun. We’re getting there.

{photo by Andrea}

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resolute

12 Jan

[via weheartit]

The holidays came and went, and I reflected on the past year and the year to come. I’ve been organizing my thoughts in my day planner, especially those that revolve around vacation.

As always, 2010 came and went like a breeze – while it took some getting used to at first, after a while I just closed my eyes and reveled in what was swirling past me. This coming year brings graduation, a vacation to Seattle and Victoria, the wedding of one of my oldest friends, B’s thirtieth birthday, football dates, trips to see my family, and visits from people I adore. It brings big plans, surprises, and planned surprises.

While I scoff at the idea of resolutions every year, I realized that not writing them down didn’t make my goals for 2011 any less there. This year, I vow to read more books for fun, take more pictures (especially when I’m not on vacation), be good to myself, spend time with those people who make me happy, and only buy things that make me do a small dance.

Transformation

9 Nov

My campus is probably prettier than your campus. [via Flickr]

A year and a whole different blog ago, I wrote about my trepidation to open my dorm room and join the voices outside my door. I felt like an outsider – an imposter – and all these brilliant new people terrified the bejeezus out of me.

Now, I Twitter and Facebook and Skype these brilliant individuals almost daily. A year went by and coming together in residence felt like coming home. We shared our excitement over finding the perfect journal articles for our literature reviews; we came together organically in the lounge at the end of the day to share wine, ideas, and our favourite television shows; we opened up about our lives and cried on the day they told us that we didn’t have to go home but we couldn’t stay there.

I no longer feel like an imposter. Rather, I feel like I’ve finally taken enough school to get it right. I’m excited about the next six months, and I’m even more excited that we are making a point to see and chat with each other. We are almost at the end of this road. There is no more time in residency. No more dance parties in the lounge. The next time we’ll all be together is at convocation, joined by families and friends and people who have generally no idea how much this experience has changed and shaped us. These outsiders have no idea how lentils can create change, or how sitting in a circle talking about whatever pops into your head (without PowerPoints!) can cause you to learn more than you’ve ever thought possible. They have no idea how much time we’ve spent reflecting, either within or outside the scope of mandated assignments. They missed our temperament and grammar jokes and tirades. They haven’t had the pleasure of strolling through the gardens and trails of campus as a form of active recovery.

I’ve realized that I don’t need to like everyone, and they don’t need to like me (which is very hard for my Guardian Protector temperament to accept). I’ve realized that when anyone asks me about how my time in Victoria was, the words “busy, but good” will have to suffice. I’ve realized what it’s like to step back from the hum of every day life to focus on something that is totally, 100 per cent about me – my growth and my research interests.

For those of you who were present for this, there are no words to describe how much I adore and admire you. I am so humbled and proud to be part of this experience with these individuals. For those of you who rarely see posts pop up in Google Reader from my little space on the Internet, I thank you: for your support and your patience through all of this.

There are so many posts I could write if only I had the time, and I want to make that time a priority.

inside-out

28 Sep

I’ll admit I’m not immune to talking about others sometimes. “I think she’s an alcoholic!” “So-and-so coworker needs to stick up for herself to ensure she’s got some work/life balance and doesn’t go on stress leave again!” “I can’t believe he said that!”

I look at problems outside of myself, when really, I shouldn’t. I focus outside, on them, when something is going on inside me to motivate my responses.

“Instead of automatically focusing on what is outside, turn around and focus on what you feel, think, and want — from the inside… To operate from the inside-out means to observe and describe the motives, intentions, feelings, judgments, and attributions that drive your response to the other. It is to be in touch with your internal experience” (Short, 1998, pp. 22-25).

If you’re interested, I recommend Ronald R. Short’s Learning in Relationship.

Who am I?

20 Sep

[via postsecret]

I recently completed a personality test for school, and the results weren’t really shocking. I care deeply about other people and their feelings. I hate when people are hurt and as a “Guardian Protector” I like to save people from the world. Relationships matter to me more than all else.

Lately I’ve been struggling to figure out what Leanne wants, and it’s hard. When such a big chunk of my personality is caring and satisfying other people, what I want and who I am tends to get lost. With six classes and full time work, caring so much has become exhausting. I’m trying to regroup, relax, and drink more tea.